Love Is All You Need

Valentine’s Day…

Yes, I know it passed and it was more than a week ago. But a day dedicated to showing your significant other that you love them should be every day, right?

I find holidays interesting. I love the aspect of spending quality time with the people you love for the purpose of celebrating something happy and meaningful. What I am not a fan of is the pressure to buy things for people in order to demonstrate our love for one another. As a conscious consumer, I try not to fall into the trap of letting society tell me what, when, and why to buy something.

A few weeks ago, I talked to my wife about Valentine’s day. She told me something to the effect of “I don’t want any gifts. All I want is you. Your love is all I need.” I know it sounds cheesy, but she was completely serious and it warmed my heart. She said that because I spend a lot of time and attention on her, she doesn’t need material gifts to make her happy.

Since getting married two years ago, we have spent so much quality time together that our relationship has really grown. We rarely argue or fight anymore. We are on the same page in the way we think about money. Our values on important things are very well-aligned. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company. And nowadays, we never feel obligated to give each other gifts.

We weren’t always like this though. It took years of growing and learning together. Ten years ago, when we first met, we were different people from who we are today.

 

Throwback to the first time we met

My wife and I got to know each other through a mutual friend. She was an undergrad in her fourth year. I was a fourth year medical student. She was a division I collegiate athlete in rowing and an avid runner who probably could have walked on to the track team too. I was (and still am) nowhere near as naturally athletic as she is. She is an introvert who has incredible social skills, while I tend to be more of an extrovert. She is smart, funny, and the coolest person I know. I am just an ordinary, happy-go-lucky guy who happens to stumble upon good fortune.

Some time in February ten years ago, she invited me for an interview as part of a class project on male body image. I totally took her up on the offer. (Towards the end of my fourth year in medical school, I purposely took really easy courses and so I had a lot of free time for fun.) The interview eventually led to an engaging late night conversation that neither of us wanted to end. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I can distinctly remember the way I felt and how I wanted to continue to get to know her better.

 

Our relationship hit the ground running

After that day, we would talk on the phone and message each other on AIM (remember that?). And one day I asked her if I could go running with her. It was after Match Day (around mid-Match) and I had even more free time.  While senioritis was starting to kick in, I didn’t want to get lazy. So I dedicated more time to becoming healthier and more fit. Luckily my future wife agreed to be my fitness coach and running buddy.

Soon we were running all over they city, along the beaches, and over the coastal hills. While it was a challenge for me to keep up, it was fun and exhilarating. During our runs, we got to know each other inside and out. And over the year, our close friendship evolved into a romantic relationship.

We spent the next five years in a semi long distance relationship. I was a resident in a major hospital in Los Angeles and she was law student in San Diego. This turned out to be a fine situation since neither one of us had a lot of free time for each other on the week days. I’ll tell ya, it was such a treat when she would drive up almost every weekend to see me. I really appreciated it.

We would have disagreements and small fights here and there. Sometimes we would give each other the silent treatment. But overall, fights were minor and relatively infrequent. And because we would make an effort to talk to each other and reach a resolution, arguments were usually short-lived.

 

Preparing to get hitched

After completing residency and fellowship, we both landed our dream jobs in the same city. No more semi long distance relationship! A few months later, I asked her to marry me. And of course she said yes.

Because her mom wanted us to be married in a Catholic Church, we were required to take a Pre-Cana marriage preparation course. Think of it as marriage counseling before you get married. Luckily, the class we were enrolled in was very helpful and avoided pushing any hard-line religious ideals. Through the class we learned even more about each other and how to build a long-lasting relationship. We were encouraged to discuss topics that make many couples uncomfortable. These topics included money issues, sex, religion, values, cultural differences, challenges with different personalities, having children, how to discipline children, dealing with in-laws, politics, and many more.

We developed a better understanding of each other and we were relieved to learn that our values are well-aligned. It was also the first time we started talking about money, debt, budgeting, and making financial plan as a couple. This is important because financial hardship and money issues are some of the more common causes of marital discord.

In addition to encouraging a healthy discussion of difficult topics, the class was also helpful in teaching us effective conflict resolution.

 

5 Love Languages

As we prepared for marriage, one of the books that was recommended to us was “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman. The basic gist of the book is that everybody communicates and feels love differently; and in order to have a healthy relationship, you and your significant other should understand those differences and ideally be on the same page and speak the same “love language.”

The 5 Love Languages are:

1. Words of affirmation.  A simple “I love you” or “I appreciate it when you do this…” are great examples of what we do. Name-calling (or any hurtful words) is a definite no-no and never result in anything good.
2. Quality time. For us, this means being present and giving affectionate, undivided attention. Not being physically available, being mentally distracted, or failing to listen to my wife will NOT earn me any points with my wife.
3. Acts of service. Whether it is helping with the dishes or cooking a home-cooked meal, acts of service is another way we like to show love.
4. Physical touch. This can be cuddling, sex, massage, hand-holding, or any kind of affectionate touching. Some people are touchy-feely while others are not. Luckily we are pretty much on the same page.
5. Receiving gifts. Self-expalnatory. Some people give and expect gifts to demonstrate love. For us, receiving gifts is never expected, but always appreciated.

 

Empathy, Patience, and Communication

Fortunately, my wife and I are in tune with each other and generally speak similar “love languages”. We both prioritize quality time with each other and neither of us thinks that receiving gifts is important. (If we prioritized gift giving, then a buy nothing challenge would be super hard!)

By having a deeper understanding of one another and how we uniquely express our love, we are more empathetic and patient with each other. And if an argument or fight does occur, we are better able to resolve it knowing that the reason for the fight is likely from a miscommunication, misunderstanding, or a situational uneven expression of love. We try to resolve conflicts as soon as one of us perceives the other to be upset or unsettled. One of our goals is to never go to bed angry with each other.

 

Think before you speak

While talking to a colleague about effective communication in business relationships, I was introduced to the idea of “T.H.I.N.K.” before you speak. The idea is this: before you speak, stop to think if what you are about to say is True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind.

This also works well with communicating to anybody, especially your loved ones. I never want to lie to my wife, so I refrain from saying things that are not true. And there is no point in saying something that is not necessary either. I always try to make sure my words are kind. If I am suggesting my wife to do something, I try to use a tone that inspires her to do it (as opposed to a tone that sounds more like an order or command). If there is something that I feel she can do differently, I try to offer helpful, constructive criticism instead of saying something hurtful or judgmental. We are not perfect, but we try to be conscious of what we say to each other.

 

Why maintaining a healthy marriage is so important

There are many reasons why a healthy marriage is important. The most obvious reason is that it makes life richer and happier. You know the saying; happy wife, happy life.

In addition, a happy marriage is important for financial health. Divorce is financially devastating, thus the recommendation of “one house, one spouse” is critical advice to follow. For many people, choosing the right partner could be the best financial move you will ever make.

And finally, having a good relationship with you spouse is important for raising happy and health children. We are expecting our first child in a month and we have been reading a lot of baby-related books lately. One of those books is “Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Healthy Child from Zero to Five” by John Medina. A key take home point form this book is that a strong relationship between parents helps foster a low-stress, safe environment for a baby to thrive and grow healthy. It’s important for my wife and I to strengthen our love as we prepare to extend our love to the baby that we will bring in to the world.

 

Readers, how did you spend your Valentine’s Day? What do you think of the “5 Love Languages?” What strategies do you use to improve communication with your significant other? Any good books on love and parenting (or anything) that you recommend?